4 Steps to Drastically Improve Conversations With Those Who Disagree With You
Posted Oct 09, 2023
Have you ever sat in a meeting with a co-worker unwilling to compromise over a divisive issue? Not only is it exasperating, but it often results in utter unproductivity -- the last thing anyone wants in a meeting. This type of person -- so stuck within their own paradigm that they can't communicate -- is "untalkable."
Luckily, where there are "untalkable" people, there are always "talkable" individuals to be found. "Talkables" firmly maintain and articulate their opinions but are open to creating new solutions they haven't considered before.
In their book How We Ended Racism: Realizing a New Possibility in One Generation, diversity expert Justin Michael Williams and activist Shelly Tygielski reveal how to bridge political, ideological, and racial divides beyond typical corporate DEI programs. A big part of that puzzle is becoming "talkable" and learning to communicate across a divisive issue.
Step 1: State Your Surface Position
The surface position should be plain and simple. It's the foundational content of the situation at hand, and every conversation should start with your surface position, as it sets the stage for meaningful discussions and resolutions. "Remember that at this stage you're just sharing your stance on the topic," Williams and Tygielski write. "Plenty of conversations go wrong because people start by calling one another out rather than making it clear that the discussion is a chance for both parties to be called forward into a shared understanding."
Step 2: Uncover Each Party's Purpose
Navigating this step can prove challenging, as individuals often firmly believe in the absolute truth of their own narratives. "There are two important questions to ask yourself in order to have a difficult conversation: Do I want to be heard, or do I want to be effective? Do I want to create a bridge or widen the divide?" state Williams and Tygielski. To progress, it's essential to delve into each party's deepest fears and concerns, understanding how their stance addresses these worries. Moreover, it's crucial to explore how they perceive their position as contributing to societal advancement in a more inclusive and constructive manner. By uncovering the layers beneath our surface positions, the potential for common ground, synergy, and meaningful connections emerges.
Step 3: Synergize Both Parties' Purposes
Find the joint purpose that gets revealed through conversation. Tygielski and Williams write, "From this point of intersection, the 'othering' begins to cease, and a connection is made. The opposing groups now have synergy. Even if there are areas where they disagree, it is only by finding common ground that we can move forward to find solutions."
Step 4: Select the Solution That Best Achieves the Joint Purpose
Arrive at a solution neither side would have found on their own based on what option achieves a common purpose. With careful listening, patience, and empathy, the hard conversations become manageable, and alignment becomes a possibility. Now, selecting a solution is possible.
Williams and Tygielski say that if this communication were practiced regularly, "We would be living in a completely different world--one where we could finally rise together instead of wasting energy trying to prove or disprove our surface positions." Imagine how much could be achieved in our conference rooms, Zoom breakouts, and one-on-ones if everyone practiced their ability to be "talkable."
OCT 6, 2023