This Is How You Instantly Become More Likable
Posted Aug 24, 2024
I met with one of the organizers the day before I spoke at a conference in Dubai. We chatted for 10 minutes. Then he paused.
"Wait," he said. "I wanted to get to know you, and somehow all we've done is talk about me."
I smiled, because that's my move. One reason? I'm fairly shy. Another is that I know all about me -- I know too much about me -- and would much rather hear about you.
The third reason? Science says that makes me much more likable (which I'm the first to admit is no mean feat).
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, asking a question -- and then asking at least two follow-up questions -- dramatically increases how likable other people perceive you to be.
As the study's authors explain:
We converse with others to learn what they know -- their information, stories, preferences, ideas, thoughts, and feelings -- as well as to share what we know while managing others' perceptions of us.
(Ask more questions and you are) are perceived as higher in responsiveness, an interpersonal construct that captures listening, understanding, validation, and care.
Or in simple terms, ask a question, actually listen to the answer (instead of thinking about what you will say), and follow up with questions that showed you listened and cared about what you heard, and people will like you more.
Granted, that sounds odd. How can people like you more if, after 10 minutes, they haven't learned anything about you? For one thing, because what they have learned is that you've shown interest in them.
Another reason is that people love -- genuinely love -- to talk about themselves. A study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that approximately 40 percent of our everyday speech is spent telling other people about our subjective experiences. Not facts or instructions or outcome-based conversations, which account for another chunk of our everyday speech, but what what we think or feel.
Not just telling someone you need to get your car fixed. But how you hate dealing with auto mechanics. And how you're sure it will take days to fix. And that you hate the idea of carpooling with a neighbor. And how it's always something. And ... and yeah.
Why do we spend considerable time talking about our thoughts and feelings? Mostly, we can't help it: the same study also shows that talking about ourselves, whether in person or on social media, increases activity in brain regions associated with the sense of reward and satisfaction gained from food, money, and sex.
Yep: we love (and can't really help) talking about ourselves, if only because that's how we're built.
Flip it around, and helping other people talk about themselves by asking questions taps into that need -- and shows you care about them not just as an employee, or colleague, or acquaintance, but as a person.
Our need to avoid cognitive dissonance also plays a role. Talk to me on a deeper level for a few minutes and you'll "decide" we are, if not friends, at the very least friend-ly. Why would you have a meaningful conversation with someone you don't like?
Add it all up, and the simple act of asking a few questions almost ensures people will like you more.
But here's the key: You have to ask a question worthy of follow-up questions. A different study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology asked participants what they felt were "deeper" first questions. The most common?
- What do you love doing?
- What do you regret most?
- Where do you see yourself in five years?
Seem awkward? Take the second one. Say you're at a conference and you meet someone new. You could say, "I was just thinking about whether I'll regret having attended. That got me thinking about my biggest regret in life. What's yours?"
Or you could say, "If you weren't here and you had your choice of anything, what would you be doing instead?" Maybe the answer will be a hobby. A trip. Spending time with family. Whatever it is, follow-up questions are easy. Just ask why. Or what they love about it. Listen, and the researchers say coming up with follow-up questions will be easy.
As the study's authors write:
The people in our experiments expected that deeper conversations would be significantly more awkward than they actually were. The overly pessimistic expectations about deep talk stemmed from the misplaced assumption that one's conversation partner would be largely indifferent to the interaction.
In reality, the other person also typically enjoyed getting beyond superficialities.
Our research suggests that the person next to you would probably be happier talking about their passions and purpose than the weather and "what's up."
In fact, deep conversations with a stranger left people feeling just as positive as they did after having deep conversations with a friend.
My favorite follow-up question? After I ask what someone does for a living I follow up with "That sounds like a really hard job."
After all, everyone's job is hard. When you recognize and validate that fact -- and show you respect what they do -- people naturally open up and talk about themselves.
Asking at least two genuine follow-up questions shows you respect the other person's experiences, knowledge, and opinions, and shows you respect them as a person.
That will make you more likable -- and may also build a foundation for a genuine relationship.
Can't beat that.
Expert Opinion By Jeff Haden, Contributing editor, Inc. @jeff_hadenMay 6, 2024